Indigo

 

Happy Birthday Indigo!

It’s the anniversary of my album, ‘Indigo’. It’s Indigo’s first birthday. I’d say that she is thriving and growing every day. It’s a privilege to watch her grow. To be on this journey with her. To see how she develops, how she interacts with other people, what she does in the world. I am a proud parent. I created her, but she’s out in the world now and, at a certain point, she stops feeling like mine and begins to feel like something I love. Something I am responsible for. Something I am a steward of. Yes, ‘Indigo’ is an album, but it also feels something like an offspring, in the truest sense of the word. So happy birthday, Indigo. May your life be fruitful and long.

In honor of this special occasion, we released a new music video yesterday for the album’s title track. I really love this song. It’s the song that made me an album-parent. It’s the song that solidified the album. That made it what it is.

It’s a song about feeling unformed, unsure, aqueous. Feeling unmoored, feeling un-real. Feeling frustrated and sad and lost. It’s about wanting something that you don’t have. It’s about wanting to be something you’re not. It’s about seeing the difference between where you are and where you want to be and feeling like that gap is infinite. It’s a true reflection of how I felt when I wrote the song. Many of the things I wanted so badly are things I feel I now have. That’s a surreal and crazy feeling. I wanted to make music. I wanted to feel like an artist. I wanted to feel like I was working. Like I was thriving. Like I was on a path. Instead, I felt thwarted. I felt discouraged. I felt far away from my dreams. Ironically, expressing those feelings was one step toward bridging that gap between reality and desire.

I like watching this music video because I love seeing the evolution from where I was when I wrote the song to where I am in the video – I’m happy. I’m dancing. I’m in a beautiful music video. My album is out. And I’ve done some amazing things in the year it’s been in the world.

Sometimes it’s hard to see your own progress. Things happen incrementally. In some cases, the progress is more obvious; if you write a goal down year after year and then finally are able to cross it off, that feels like progress. It’s progress you can feel. This video is one of those examples. This video feels like progress. I wrote a song. In the song, I expressed feelings about wanting to do music, wanting to be on an artist’s path, wanting music videos and shows and a community of people. The fact that this video even exists is visual proof of the progress I’ve made. I’ve made progress! That feels so good.

And it was really fun to make. We made it back in May. Our friend Dee Galipeau flew out from California to stay at our house with us for the weekend and film. We made two videos in one weekend – this one and the one for Factory Man. We made them both in the field behind our house. We were there officially to do the ‘Factory Man’ video and made time to do this one as well. We did it all in one afternoon, from concept to filming. It came together quickly. It was just what the song needed.

I took an acting class in college and we did one project I really loved called ‘The Universe Project.’ In it, we had a few minutes to act out our universe for the rest of the class. We had to convey what it was like to live in our own world. For my project, I did a few things. I recited the first page of ‘Gone With The Wind,’ (I’ve had it memorized since I was 9), I pretended to walk through a crowd of people, bumping into things and feeling out of place, I spoke a short monologue, and then, at the end, I put on headphones and had a friend play techno music through the room’s speakers. I wore those headphones and danced. I danced like crazy, doing cartwheels and spins. I left the whole confusing world behind.

That part of the project always felt like it was the most representative of my universe. It was a thrill to pay homage to that in this video. I can’t even remember who thought of the idea. It was probably Dee. But what a cool coincidence. It’s just what the song needed. The message I’m trying to convey is this: you can be yourself in all of your frustrations and sadness and weirdness and you can exist that way. Or, you can exist that way… and dance.