I have been waiting for months to finalize a really exciting collaboration. I feel like I’m on the edge of something career-changing. The waiting has been really hard. Yesterday, I got word that the final step in planning will happen today. Today I’ve been very inward. Distracted by my own thoughts. Unable to fully interact with the world around me. I can sense something about to happen. A change. A new step in my career. A new step in my unfurling.
It’s a weird limbo state that I’m in. I’m very close to something. Something that could be the catalyst to becoming what I am moving towards – an artist with a sustainable career. I imagine that the fruition of this opportunity will make me feel different about myself – more confident, more legitimate. Though I have enough experience to know that very few external things can really make a lasting difference on how someone feels on the inside. I have no illusions that external validation heals any wounds. If anything, it can mask them. Still, I wonder if this next step will change me. As cheesy as it is, I keep thinking about the lyrics of my song Indigo, which is on my album of the same name:
will I ever feel contented like I’m good enough to be / All the things in my mind that I invented
will I ever feel like I deserve the happiness I seek/ Or will I always be tormented
Is it wicked if I wish for something more?/ For glory or a guarantee?
Will my heart sound like a whisper or a roar?
And will I ever see/ What you see in me?