What Am I Doing

What am I doing with my life? This is a question I ask myself a lot. I’ve been asking it even more lately. I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m turning 30 in a few weeks. In twelve days, to be exact.

I’ve always been ‘young.’ I’m not saying that 30 isn’t young, because it is, but it’s solidly in adult territory. I think I’ve always found comfort in thinking about my age and feeling like it was only borderline-adult. It made me feel like there was still time for me to do anything I wanted to do – like it didn’t matter if I was wasting time now because I still had time. That’s a silly way to think because no one knows how much time they have. And it’s always better to do what you want to be doing now because, well, why wouldn’t you? But I’m feeling like life is getting real. And I’ve really been asking myself lately ‘what do I want to be doing?’ And ‘if I’m not doing it now, why aren’t I? What is holding me back?’

I don’t know the answers to those questions, not fully. I know that fear holds me back. I am usually afraid to fail, afraid I’ll ‘look stupid’ trying something out of my comfort zone (as if people even care), afraid that I’ll feel embarrassed. Afraid that I’ll upset other people. I think that this part of the equation has held me back from really figuring out what it is I do want in the first place.

What do I want? What am I doing?

The thing I’ve come to realize lately is that I want to write more. I think this year I want to work on a book of essays about my life. There is a lot of stuff I want to process – a lot of stuff I feel ready to process- and writing is therapeutic for me. Like I said last time, I feel like I’ve spent so much time and effort over the past few years building ‘Roan Yellowthorn’ that I’ve neglected the person underneath. Me. Writing brings me back to myself. So I definitely want to do more of that.

Music wise, I think that things are going better than they ever have. There are so many ups and downs. Violent ups and downs. Always. But, overall, I feel like things are coming together in many areas. I do feel like I’m noticing growth. I’m slated to perform at two big music festivals this year including at SXSW as an official showcase artist (which has been a huge goal of mine), I have a really special singles project coming out this winter, and I’m making a new, my sophomore, studio album NEXT MONTH (how is it happening so soon) with one of my dream-producers. A lot of things are happening. But I’m thinking just as much as ever¬†what am I doing?

I really still don’t know.

I don’t have anything figured out.

I’m still trying to get to the point where I drink water every day. I’m still trying to get the the point where I eat actual food and not just candy and gluten free bread. I’m still trying to get to the point where I exercise more frequently than once a year. I don’t have anything figured out. But I’m trying. Maybe that’s all anyone can do.